1. What do you call a man with half a brain?...............Gifted
2. What is the thinnest book in the world?............"What Men Know About Women"
3. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?......One....men will screw anything
4. How does a man take a bubble bath?.....He eats beans for dinner
5. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?....They don't have balls to scratch
6. What's a man's idea of foreplay?...A half an hour of begging
7. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?....He's breathing
8. What's the difference between men and Government bonds?..Bonds mature
9. How do you save a man from drowning?...Take your foot off his head
10. What do men and beer bottles have in common?....They are both empty from the neck up
11. How can you tell if a man is happy?...Who cares?
12. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?..We don't know it's never been done.
13. How are men and parking space alike?....The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped
14. What is a mans idea of helping with housework?...Lifting his feet so you can vacuum
15. What is the difference between a man and E.T.?........E.T. phoned home
16. What does a man consider a seven course meal?.....A six-pack of beer and a hot-dog
17. What did God say after creating man?........I can do better
18. What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?...A man's undivided attention
19. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?.. 1-no mind 2-no business
20. How is a man like a snowstorm?...Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay
21. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?....He knows first hand the penalty for early withdraw
22. Why are men like laxatives?...They both irritate the shit out of you
23. If men got pregnant ..... Abortions would be available in convenience stores and drive-thru windows
24. Why do men name their penises?.....Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions
25. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? ..... Because those men already have boyfriends
26. Why do men like masturbation?.... Its sex with someone they love
27. How do men define Roe vs. Wade? ..... Two ways to cross a river
28. What is gross stupidity? ... 144 men in one room
29. What is the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche? ... A Porcupine has pricks on the outside
30. How may men does it take to pop popcorn? ... Three, one to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove
31. What is a man's view of safe sex?..... A padded headboard
32. How do men sort their laundry? ... "Filthy" and "Filthy, but wearable"
33. Why did God create man? .... Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
34. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? .... It keeps the swelling down
35. Husband: "Want a quickie" Wife: "As opposed to what?"
36. Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
37. I went to the Country Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or Not" shows, they had a man born with a penis and a brain.
38. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it
2. What is the thinnest book in the world?............"What Men Know About Women"
3. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?......One....men will screw anything
4. How does a man take a bubble bath?.....He eats beans for dinner
5. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?....They don't have balls to scratch
6. What's a man's idea of foreplay?...A half an hour of begging
7. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?....He's breathing
8. What's the difference between men and Government bonds?..Bonds mature
9. How do you save a man from drowning?...Take your foot off his head
10. What do men and beer bottles have in common?....They are both empty from the neck up
11. How can you tell if a man is happy?...Who cares?
12. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?..We don't know it's never been done.
13. How are men and parking space alike?....The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped
14. What is a mans idea of helping with housework?...Lifting his feet so you can vacuum
15. What is the difference between a man and E.T.?........E.T. phoned home
16. What does a man consider a seven course meal?.....A six-pack of beer and a hot-dog
17. What did God say after creating man?........I can do better
18. What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?...A man's undivided attention
19. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?.. 1-no mind 2-no business
20. How is a man like a snowstorm?...Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay
21. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?....He knows first hand the penalty for early withdraw
22. Why are men like laxatives?...They both irritate the shit out of you
23. If men got pregnant ..... Abortions would be available in convenience stores and drive-thru windows
24. Why do men name their penises?.....Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions
25. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? ..... Because those men already have boyfriends
26. Why do men like masturbation?.... Its sex with someone they love
27. How do men define Roe vs. Wade? ..... Two ways to cross a river
28. What is gross stupidity? ... 144 men in one room
29. What is the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche? ... A Porcupine has pricks on the outside
30. How may men does it take to pop popcorn? ... Three, one to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove
31. What is a man's view of safe sex?..... A padded headboard
32. How do men sort their laundry? ... "Filthy" and "Filthy, but wearable"
33. Why did God create man? .... Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
34. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? .... It keeps the swelling down
35. Husband: "Want a quickie" Wife: "As opposed to what?"
36. Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
37. I went to the Country Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or Not" shows, they had a man born with a penis and a brain.
38. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it
