Friday, June 18, 2004

Bonecrcker #173 - Questions For The Bonecrcker

QUOTE: I have some questions.

1. What behaviours did they exhibit?

2. If you don’t want to be soley with one woman, do the women know about each other/are they OK with this? I always wanted monogamy because I thought it was the hallmark of a serious relationship, not for power.

3. Does this example mean a person doesn’t love you? I wasn’t trying to test him, but you commute to school while dating someone. You don’t have a car at the time and the person thinks you should. But you just borrow your parents’ car because it is easier on you. One day, their car doesn’t start and you call and ask your significat other for a ride to class. The answer is “I wanted you to get your own car, therefore I ain’t taking you nowhere.” Does this mean they don’t care? Is this a test?

1. This is a tough one because there are so many and they are so varied. They range anywhere from simple flakiness and disrespect of my time (showing up late or not at all) to cutting me down in front of people in public. The first gets you a warning and a stern lecture. The second gets your number erased from my speed dial. There is a basic pattern of escalation. When I lived for 10 years with my fiancé (who later abandoned me in a rather fucked up way….but that’s another story), the behaviours were incredibly extreme and downright bizarre. Then there is the other side of the coin….indifference. The person no longer seems excited to spend time together and doesn’t put any effort into anything. Eventually they wander off and stop calling. Some women have to be dumped for the former. But, most women simply do the latter. They start hot and heavy and then fizzle out. The way I do things, this is not a big deal. But, these same women often pressure me for a monogamous relationship. I’m like, if you can’t maintain interest for 6 months, what makes you think I want to be moving in with you? Also, most women will gab endlessly in narcissistic fashion about the most inane things. Rarely have I been with a woman that bothered to find out much about me in depth. My experience is most women behave themselves and are fun to be around, if you keep them on a short leash. But, if you let them cut you off from “competition” they very quickly become lazy and presumptuous. One thing I have never met any woman who does, is start working together to build a life with her man. I’d love to meet a woman like this. But, I doubt she exists. The types of behaviours I would expect from a woman like this range from the simple getting to know my personality in depth to the complex, starting money making ventures together to support the kids we plan to have. To be blunt, I rarely meet a woman who is sincere, down to earth and makes good decisions, let alone sending that my way. Most are completely involved in airy fairy nonsense, many to the point of being self-destructive and chasing after sensual pleasures. That’s great in limited quantities. But it’s hardly something to build a life together with.

2. This may come as some surprise to you but most women are more attracted to a man who won’t be monogamous with them than to one who will (and they wonder why I choose the former). If you ask a woman, hey, would you date a man who was seeing other women? Most would say, "Of course not." But, that’s not true. my value as a man goes up, not down, if I “date around”. There are a few things though. You can’t lie….and you can’t burst their bubble. When a woman directly asks, "Are you dating other people?", the answer is yes. When she asks where were you Saturday night, the answer is, "None of your business." But, you don’t leave other women’s underwear hanging around your bedroom either. When a woman asks, "Are you single?", the answer is yes (unless you are married and that’s a whole other thing) Also, most women “date around”. They are seeing more than one man (none tell you this, BTW) and they don’t respect a man who isn’t seeing more than one woman. What they want to do though, is separate you from the other women. Not a problem, except once they have you, they don’t want you anymore! Every time I let a woman become “serious”, she wanders off. Not right away mind you. Instead she leads me on and suddenly changes her mind at a later date. My point here is, the whole thing of a woman looking for a decent man to have a monogamous relationship with, is just a big myth. Either they want to bag you, but have no intention of doing their part in the relationship and, quite frankly, disrespect you for being willing to be bagged….or they WANT you to be the type of man who dates around. Even the women whose self-esteem is so low that they are rarely with a man do this. This is the way things are. I didn’t choose it (quite frankly, I don’t like it). And the way things are is very different than the way they say things are.

3. That’s a person who is being an asshole. The hallmark of the asshole is unreasonableness. They expect you to rearrange your life and deal with a huge imposition so that you can indulge a minor whim of theirs. Or (as in this case) they are very controlling. They want you to solve a problem you have, their way, rather than your way. If you refuse and do what any assertive, self-determined person would do (choosing your own way to deal with something) and it doesn’t work, they dump a hefty amount of blame on you and even try to punish you in an aggressive or passive-aggressive fashion. The point of what they do is NOT to make things come out right (mostly what they want you to do doesn’t work anyway, lol), but that you do what THEY want. I would say that, no, the way that person is behaving is not what you would see in someone who loves you. There are two things you see in the behavior of someone who loves you. The first is their behavior encourages you to grow and become self-sufficient. The second is they are willing to give up things that don’t really matter to them, so that you can have something that really matters or is important to you. If you have an emergency, they turn off the tube, get their ass off the couch and help you. They also don’t try to make you feel stupid for having the emergency. However they also don’t let you make it a habit of manufacturing emergencies on a regular basis.

Someone who loves you would SUGGEST getting your own car. When you chose to do something else, they would support your right to make that decision. If it didn’t work, they would help you. They neither carry you through life nor let you fall off the cliff from a single bad decision. Someone who did that to me wouldn’t even get the benefit of a phone call to let them know they’ve been dumped.

There is one exception to that. When a person consistently makes decisions that are deviant and way outside the realm of reasonableness….you confront them about it. For example, drug use. Another example, I had an old girlfriend of mine who was whoring around behind her fiancé’s back with guys who had been in jail. I told her that was inappropriate and likely to result in ruining her life. She told me to fuck off… I did. I haven’t spoken to her since.

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