Saturday, August 07, 2004

Pook #38 - Casual Dating

Why, look at this! We have received a letter from the ladies:

Dear Sosuave Youth,

Before we, shall we say, get down to business, we have some things to say:

Casual dating is OK.

Asking a girl for her number is OK.

Random hookups are not ideal.

Sitting in your room and pretending to be content with your love life, or lack thereof, is not cool.

This letter is meant to revive casual dating with you young males — a practice that used to be followed by most, yet one that is strangely absent today. Casual dating does not mean commitment. It will not limit your freedom. It will not interfere with the pursuit of life and joy, two of which we hold as one.

From my experiences, your relationships fall into two categories: random hookups or virtual marriage. Either two people stay together for a few hours and pretend like nothing happened between them the next day, or they become attached at the hip from their first date and become oblivious to the rest of the world.

The problem with these two extremes is that most of us want something in the middle. But boys, you can do something about that. And I will tell you how . . .

1. Get girls’ phone numbers. If you’re attracted to a girl, getting her number can’t hurt. It will keep your options open in the case that you decide that you may be ready to go on an actual date in your young age. Although this is a rare occurrence, it does happen. Getting a girl’s number can be avoided if you think that you could invite her out personally, which is ideal, as phone conversations have the possibility of being somewhat awkward.

2. Hang out with your girl of interest during non-class, non-dorm-activity time, non-job environment. Invite her over for dinner at your house or dining hall or for some coffee, or [for the gutsier guys] dinner at a restaurant. This is your chance to get to know your girl.

Dates are fun! Even if there is no chemistry or not a lot to talk about, getting together puts you out there. It makes us feel like normal young people who do the normal dating things. The first “date” will give you a much better idea as to whether or not the girl is worth your time.

3. If the date was less than ideal, don’t be aloof when you see the girl again. If your date made you realize that this girl probably isn’t for you, it’s probably (hopefully) a mutual thing. Chemistry and awkwardness are usually felt both ways. But, don’t pretend like it never happened. You guys can still act civilly toward each other. Being friends is totally okay.

If the date went well, don’t smother the girl. It’s definitely nice to give her a call a few days after your date, but don’t act like the two of you married! One date, or even a few dates, does not mean life-long commitment. The goal here is casual dating — hanging out on an occasional basis and having fun.

Although dating may lead to a relationship, it doesn’t have to. Understandably, people at this school don’t always have the time or desire for a significant other. But many of us want to hang out on an individual basis with members of the opposite sex that we like. And we aren’t necessarily happy with the predominant means of doing that — party hookups. Casual dating is the perfect, middle-of-the-road solution to this problem.

I know that asking a girl for her number or out to coffee or dinner can be hard, but it needs to be done. We ladies aren’t mean! We try to encourage proactive behavior.

Although rejection is always a possibility, the alternative is just too attractive and too necessary to pass up. Do you really want to go through your prime years of your youth — without some form of dating?

I should hope not.

This was an actual letter from a lady written to all the men. It appeared in the Stanford University paper.

This post isn’t for the guys already comfortable going out there. This is for the shy, the homebodies, the ones on the Internet every night.

You want a girlfriend badly. It seemed like two choices: the hook-ups you find at parties or clubs or the ‘virtual marriage’ of a ‘long term relationship’.

The flaws of the ‘joined at the hip’ virtual marriage the ladies described are many. It keeps you from meeting other people. And it is just a clinginess of each other, of two people tired of being ‘single’. You can be successful at this with marriage and everything, but even that may result in failure. Anti-Dump started out this way, married a girl, but divorce shattered him as he realized the girl never really liked him in the first place. He kept trying to please her rather than find a girl that fits him.

Now we come to the other option. The ‘party hook-ups’ and ‘clubs’ sound like great fun and easy sex but these probably don’t fit your personality. Besides, these girls will care nothing for you and won’t care if you drop dead the next day. And the sex? To these people, it becomes a theatrical act. It is mutual masturbation. It is not fulfilling.

Also, consider that perhaps one day you will be married. When you are married, what do you like to do? Why, you go out. All the practice and skills you pick up with casual dating can be carried over to your marriage, your ‘pick up skills’ cannot.

Casual dating has the best of the two extremes of random hook ups and ‘virtual marriage’. The possibility of sex is there… but it definitely won’t be a girl who will toss you aside the next day. The connection of ‘virtual marriage’ is there… but it isn’t as binding to keep you from meeting new people. Plus, casual dating gets you to find the girl that likes what you like, which random hook ups and virtual marriage do not allow.

Besides, casual dating is fun! When I was shy and locked up in my room, I always wondered, “What ought I to do?” Well, the answer is anything! Usually start off with something small, like dinner or a drink where you can get to know her and see if she is worth your time. But literally, anything is at your disposal. Planning dates is fun as you get to pick what YOU want to do. Want to go browse museums and have a nice dinner afterward? Want to go rock climbing and rafting afterwards? A friend of mine, when he finds a girl he thinks is special to him, will even get out specific types of wine. This may sound sappy but it isn’t, and girls love it. It’s fun to plan out what YOU want to do, and girls like to go along for the adventure.

So as you are bombarded by all this ‘information’, do this:

Forget about Pook. Forget about Sosuave. Forget about the DJ Bible. Forget about tips and discussions, women ‘psychology’ and specific techniques.

Go ask the number for that girl you have been eyeing. Do anything you’d like, from a simple dinner to event. If she likes you, she won’t care!

Forget this webpage with all its wordy text. People who stay here all day are trying to get it PERFECT, and you know what? Perfect is boring. Shake things up in your life. It won’t matter if you know what to do for the 2nd or 3rd date, most people don’t. Do it one at a time.

Go change your life, not by reading my posts, or studying the forum, but by doing what you always wanted to do: to go out with that lovely young lady. Start small, and ask out a girl that you really like.

Once you get a date or two under your belt, you’ll wonder why you wasted so much time on article reading in the first place.

And welcome. Life awaits.

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